December Blues

It’s always this time of the year when I, and I’m sure most of the population, get reflective. The strand days of limbo in between Christmas Day and New Year’s Day, where we cling onto the end of one year whilst anticipating the start of a new one. For me, 2017 has been pretty crazy, with ups and downs alike – but, dare I say it, maybe a few more ups. I’ve had my final year of university, I graduated, I turned 21, successfully got through university whilst having a part-time job on the side, and at the end of the year I started a new job, which just happened to be my dream job.

I set myself a lot of goals for 2017, from reading and writing to university and other life achievements. In January I tried to set myself more personal goals; goals that were more internally focussed, concentrating on mental wellbeing. More specifically, how I think of and how I view myself, which ties in with my ‘On Being Happy’ series. With starting a new job, and especially with the festive season of parties and social atmospheres, it is something that is at the forefront of my mind.

I’ve spoken in the past about my ‘eternal anxiety of being liked’, and I think that’s something that I’m still dealing with every day. Of course, it wasn’t going to disappear after I blogged about it, and a part of me tries to keep things fresh here and not rehash old topics, but it’s an important one for me – which of course means that I feel like I should talk about it more. I constantly worry about whether people like me, often changing parts of my outward personality to fit the scenario and appeal to that audience. There’s always been a voice in my head that tells me that at my core I’m not likeable, which as a statement for anyone isn’t true at all, but nevertheless it’s a voice that stays within me. It’s like I’m trying to convince people that they can like me, and I worry that they will then discover they don’t actually like me. It so means that with a large portion of my friends I’m never able to be completely vulnerable, probably due to the fear that if I showed every part of me, they would turn me away.

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Again, I’m well aware that they would never, but it’s still something that plagues my mind. And this fear always surges up at this time of the year. Instead of a festive, jolly post, I thought it important to voice the fears and anxieties that plague my mind, in the hope that if anyone else has the same concerns, it might be of some comfort.

And so as we approach 2018, I once more try to make that goal to improve how my mind works – if such a thing can be achieved. It’s far easier to turn to the negative than the positive, and whilst it isn’t something that will be achieved in a day, week, month or even year, it’s something that I want to continue to work on.

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