Issues of Self-worth

Every time someone expresses an interest or intends to do something similar to what I wish – be it writing a book as millions of us (wish to) do, go into publishing, or even something as simple as taking the same class as me in university or going to the same kick-start your career talk – I deal with what I original shrugged off as unnecessary envy. It’s that strange, irritating mix of envy and possessiveness I suppose, but promoted by fear rather than selfishness. It’s the kind of feeling that washes over you and you immediately fight against it, plagued with guilt for those unnecessary emotions. It takes me a while each time to actually go through why I feel this possessiveness over certain things, to understand what the real root of the issue is – and that is my own fears and anxieties on inadequacy.

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Take writing a book, for example. If a friend of mine says to me that they plan/hope/have an idea for writing some great fantasy novel or modern take on an ancient classic, I’ll of course smile and say something along the lines of “that’s great, so awesome, good luck, I also have that dream” with a self-deprecating laugh and shrug on the side. Yet inside, I’ll have this voice screaming “but that’s MINE”, as if only I can have that dream. Completely ridiculous, when you consider the vast amount of people who write and want to write books.

In actuality, it’s not because other people want to write books that makes me want to act like a petulant child. It’s really due to a fear that if they do the same thing that I want to do, it will mean that mine won’t be as good – as if another person wanting to write a book will immediately make mine so much worse, and really why bother if every extra author-hopeful makes my own work worse and worse?

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It’s not just fear of competition, although that does play a huge part, but mainly the complete anxiety that I, along with what I do or create, just isn’t good enough. But I assume that’s a problem that we all have, in some way or another, that we are just not good enough. That our self-worth and self-esteem aren’t soaring high in the clouds, but instead are under several layers of concrete and emotions and some other powerful metaphor.

And, in an almost-but-not-quite ironic end, I have no idea how to wrap up this post or add in a hopeful note in a way that seems adequate enough for me. Instead, I’m feeling a bit like a certain Game of Thrones character only hoping to one day know better, or at least feel better about my own achievements.

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Moving on to 2017 [Part 2]

The phrase ‘New Year, New Me’ makes me feel hopeful as much as it does annoyed. First off, it implies that the 1st of January is the only time that you can make a change for the better. It also disregards everything you’ve done in the previous year, marking it as unworthy of the upcoming new you – as if you’re a computer updated with a new version of an old system. I’ve so become a bit disenchanted with the idea of set resolutions that just aren’t achievable. I’d far rather say ‘I want to try to eat less sugar’ rather than ‘I won’t eat chocolate all month’, because that’s just taunting you and setting you up for failure. Having a resolution, or even a goal, that isn’t just a box to tick but is a graph to map your continued progress.

With that in mind, let’s look at what my goals  were last year and whether I’ve made a move towards them.

  1. Be happy, be positive, keep going. — This is a bit of a tricky one, as it has become very apparent to me over the last year that chanting ‘be happy’ will not simply make it so. And, as we all learned from the film Inside Out, sometimes you need to let your emotions play out as they will for an overall balanced mind. For the most part I was able to remain positive when faced with certain situations with friends, but whilst this translated to them on the outside it by no means was concrete for me on the inside. I mistook being happy for forcing happiness, and that’s something I can definitely try to work on.
  2. Write more, contact agents. — This didn’t go to plan, though I did pitch a book idea to an agent who liked it at YALC. I want to keep writing, but university work alongside trying to break into publishing is definitely taking precedent at the moment. Writing has always been my outlet and I love it still, but although in the long run I’d love to have a book published, for now I’m happy with just writing for me.
  3. Read 50 books. — Finally, a goal I can happily say was completed. I was overjoyed that I was successful in this, yet again at times it was stressful and that’s something I want to make sure I reduce in the next coming year. As I’ve mentioned on my other book-related blog, I’ve set myself 17 book challenges for 2017 and on Goodreads have said I want to read 40 books. So whilst there is still an element of challenging myself, it leaves it slightly open for me to deviate and still enjoy it without it causing anxiety.

 

So when thinking about my goals for 2017, I wanted to focus on my own well-being as a goal to work on rather than measuring something by an achievement. My goals for 2017 are as follows:

  1. Prioritise self-care. — This year is going to be tough, what with my final year of university, turning 21, and entering the world of jobs, taxes, and leaving the bubble of education. I want to do all I can to help my body keep going, which means everything from doing yoga a few times a week to making sure I don’t gorge on too much sugar when fighting anxiety or sadness. This also means doing things that make me happy, so although I’ll try to keep healthy some days, other days I want to do something like baking to lift my mood. I want to try and make sure I don’t stare at a screen before trying to sleep, and read instead. Small changes to help in the long run.
  2. Speak up, don’t sit quiet. — There have been instances this year when I’ve been so nice people just assume I don’t get upset. I want to be able to voice my feelings more, whether that’s to friends or colleagues in rough work situations.
  3. Get out there. — A bit vague, I know, but I want this as my 2017 mantra. I want to make more time for writing and, if I decide it’s still what I want, pursue it. I want to do well in my career and keep trying, even when I get rejected or find it difficult to find anything. I want to go to new places, try even more new things, see my friends, and live a life full of sunshine as well as rain.

I should probably stop now before the metaphors completely take over. All I can say is this:

2017, you’re on.

Moving on to 2017 [Part 1]

2017 marks as a fresh start for a lot of people, and not just because it’s a new year. 2016 for most of us was an awful year, filled with bad memories, bad politics, and bad people. Deaths, terrorist attacks, and fear have made 2016 an awful year in almost every way, so it’s no surprise that people are jumping into 2017 with hope for some grand miracle. At first I was in full agreement, thinking that my 2016 has been particularly difficult not just because of Brexit and Trump, but also losing my Grandma last July. Mourning never really ends; it acts more like a wound, that slowly heals and can be reopened, but eventually scars over and fades over time, but still does not disappear.

But there was one thing that I’m sure she’d want me to remember – the reason why she called me ‘sunshine girl’ every time I saw her – and that’s to find the positivity and light that exists. And so instead of posting a blog post about my hopes for 2017 along with deciding if I succeeded all those goals and wishes I had for the past year, I’m going to talk about my favourite moments of 2016. (And I’m not just doing this because I’ve left my diary in London which is where I write down all my goals…)

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First off, 2016 was the year in which I got my best results so far in university. It was the first time that I’d received results and had a response that wasn’t equivalent to a shrug. I think I was used to doing well in school, so doing really well of course made me extremely happy, but only for a very short period of time. University of course is a completely different experience, and everyone you study with is just as good as you, if not better. I had pretty average grades through first year and for the start of second year, so it wasn’t until I had my final exam results that I really saw an improvement. It finally felt like my hard work was rewarded, and it has continued to spur me on today – even as I sit here with unfinished essays and an unread Paradise Lost.

2016 was the year when I re-evaluated what I wanted to do in my life, and decided that the realm of journalism isn’t quite ready for me yet. It’s where I thought about what I loved (dogs, books, chocolate), what I could probably make into a job (dogs, books), and what I could actually live off (books). After a year and a half of being a bookseller, the world of publishing seemed like the perfect fit – and getting that summer internship only heightened my excitement.

On that note, 2016 was the year in which I was promoted at my part-time job as a bookseller. It’s become my favourite job of all time, surrounded by books and brilliant people every weekend who have become friends. It’s where I’ve made some of my closest friends, where I’ve discovered new books and authors I would normally not choose, and where I’ve seriously made use of my discount.

And 2016 was the year I went to New York with one of my best friends and saw a musical that I also first heard in 2016, which changed my life (in small, not insignificant ways). Travelling is something that I love and wish I could do more of, but constraints like money (and time off university that isn’t filled with work) hold me back. Being able to go to a place like New York was a marvel in itself, filled with awe and wonder at every turn. And to see the musical Hamilton? Just incredible. The music, the messages, and the sheer majesty of the performance made it the best musical I’ve ever seen, and I salute Lin Manuel Miranda for such an incredible piece of art.

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It’s important to find the light in the darkness, and not look back (in anger) with regret. 2016 may have been a year of bad things and terrible experiences, but there were also good things and brilliant moments that shouldn’t be swept aside with the rest of the rubbish. No, 2016 was not the best year, but it also wasn’t an insignificant, unsalvageable one.